I’m pretty sick right now. It started coming on Sunday night, slowly. Now it’s Thursday night and I’m still not well. In fact between yesterday and today I can’t tell which was worse. Now, having gone through some of the things I did in my life I’ve acquired a simultaneously helpful and detrimental trait – I push hard and fast. I’m not sure when pushing beyond one’s own physical limits for long stretches of time became admirable but it really needs to stop.
I’m prone to burnout and depression as it is to begin with so when I woke up sick Monday and when the fever started Tuesday I knew armageddon was upon me. What got me to stop and think for a minute though was when someone told me I needed to cancel my personal training session tomorrow. How could I do that? If I cancelled Friday’s session that would mean missing two sessions in a week, then I’d get fat, then I’d get lazy, then I’d look ugly, then I’d become an ugly, lazy, unsuccessful, fat moron loser. Right? Probably not but that’s where my mind immediately started wandering to. The very thought of taking it easy for just another day or two simultaneously stirred up feelings of guilt, and dread. An anxiety washed over me which stemmed from the idea that my feelings about becoming a fat moron loser might actually become a reality despite the fact that there’s no evidence that will happen any time soon.
I used to be a fuckup. Having turned things around I have an intense fear of going back there again. In my mind if you’re resting you’re wasting away. It’s tough to shake this idea especially when it’s perpetuated by douchebag alpha male types who constantly “crush it” and insert-equally-moronic-phrase-here, etc. Fuck those alpha males. I know better than to confuse working hard with success. The other day someone told me “my boyfriend is going to be a millionaire” so I asked how. This person had no idea, they just said “because he’s a hard worker”. I had to laugh. You know who else works hard? Grave diggers, single moms, store clerks, pretty much everyone. But so very few are millionaires. It’s easy to be a hard worker. What’s difficult is having a good strategy. Some of the richest people I know have the most free time. Free time does’t equal success or money by any means, but what I’m getting at is that these people had a strategy, knew how to delegate, and made it. I won’t go too much farther into this subject because I’m going off on a tangent now.
Anyway, my point here is that it’s not admirable to work yourself to death. I pushed too hard too fast for a very long time and now I feel worse than I have in years because of it. Not only has my health failed me this week but I’m good and depressed and burnt out on top of it. So I’m going to relax and do something very unproductive this weekend. That concludes the mandatory blog post I promised myself I’d post each week since last November. Have a nice day.